My baby background....

Most of you who know me IRL (in real life) know that I never wanted to have kids. Ever since I was young, the thought of being responsible for another human being was totally overwhelming to me. Plus, I'm SUPER selfish. I like to come and go as I please. I don't like knowing that someone relies on me for anything really. I LIKE kids...I just didn't want to have any. Plus, the thought of "birthing" a baby totally freaked me out. I have this weird association with motherhood---you must cut your hair short, drive a mini-van, gain and stay 50 lbs heavier than before, dress totally frumpy and forget having any time to yourself. Sorry- but not my idea of fun.


Fast forward, um, years, and I meet my hubby who is dead set on having kids. We don't take it too seriously until we get engaged. We spent many hours discussing the pros and cons of kids. We almost ended our engagement because I knew that I didn't want kids. I always say I'd rather regret NOT having kids, then having them.

3 years into our marriage, I found myself pregnant. Yep- total oops. I always heard that you needed at least 3 months for birth control to get out of your system. So when I was late taking a pill for 3 days (who has time to get to the pharmacy?), I didn't think much of it. Then WHAMMO! 1 month with no period and that little blue line showed up on the test. Olivia was born in April 2006. She was a great baby--easy and personable. I thought "This isn’t too hard! I kinda like this baby!"

2007, we decided to try again. I got pregnant right away. During our routine 8 week check-up, the doc couldn't find a heartbeat so he ordered an ultrasound. The u/s showed two tiny little sacs--TWINS! HOLY CRAP! TWINS! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH TWINS? He thought our date might be off (I knew it wasn't) so he had us come back in 2 week. 2 weeks later, still no heartbeats, no fetal poles, no more growth of the sacs. It was a blighted ovum. I had a d/c the week of Thanksgiving. Part of me was sad, but the other part relieved. I didn't want two babies at once. Just one more baby please and we're done.

January 2008 (yeah, probably didn't wait like we should have) I was pregnant again. Mr. Kellen was born August 2008 (5 weeks early due to bleeding associated with a placenta previa) and came home after only a 7 day stay in the NICU. He's was a good baby too but I was so happy to be done with all these pregnancy issues!

October 2008, I lose my job. Kellen stays home with me for a year. Olivia remains in daycare because we already flexed the money for 2009 and I don't think I could have stayed home with two. I know now, I probably would have gone insane so it was a good decision on our part!

November 2009, hubby has his annual physical and we decide to schedule his BIG-V for January since our flex medical $ starts over. I started a new job and was very excited to get back to normal! I cleaned out our basement of all our baby stuff over the summer to make some extra cash. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

3 days after starting my new job, I'm sick. I think I have H1N1. I got to the doc, explain my symptoms and she suggests a pregnancy test. A PREGNANCY TEST? You can't be serious. I've been on the pill for 3 months-taking it every day just as I had done for 11 years before getting pregnant with Olivia.

ROLL EYES---TAKE TEST--- IT'S POSITIVE--- MY LIFE HAS JUST ENDED

How the heck am I going to break this to my husband who made sure to double check every time we "got it on" that I took my pill?

I head to Best Buy and get him a video game. He had just bought a PS3 (for the Bluray DVD functionality only of course!) so I buy him a game. That will make the news easier to swallow. I get home, kids are in bed and I hand him a gift bag. The first thing out of his mouth is "What's this for? You better not be pregnant."

The card reads-- "Thanks for all your support during my time looking for a job. We are much stronger having gotten through this together. We can mount any challenge that's headed our way. I love you. I hope you're ready for the next challenge.....coming July 2010".

His face turns read, I start to cry. I blabber on about how irresponsible I feel. How are we going to tell our parents? How are we going to afford another child in daycare? How am I going to tell my new boss of 3 days that I'm going on maternity leave in 9 months? I could have been the star of "MTV's 29 and Pregnant".

Here we are, only a few weeks away from welcoming Baby P to our family. Our life is chaotic. Olivia is 4 and sassy as ever. Kellen is almost 2 and constantly whines and cries. They fight all day long. I'm tired and hubby is picking up the slack. My boss was okay with the news which made life a lot easier. I still don't know exactly how we're going to fit this baby in our house, schedule and lives. It's very, very scary and I almost feel bad for him. He has NO IDEA what he's about to be born in to.

I'm not a religious person. I haven't been to church in over a decade. I do believe in a higher power--whether that be God, Allah or whatever. I do believe in faith and there being a bigger plan for all of us that's outside of our power. Miscarrying twins meant we were supposed to be a family of 5. It might have been a different path, but ultimately, it's in the BIG PLAN for us to have 3 children. I don't believe God hands you anything you can't handle and I'm sure we'll be fine.

And my hubby says to me this weekend "I'd go for a fourth baby if I knew it was a girl."

I almost died.